Sunday, May 14, 2017

The Great Struggle

My wife once said to me that if she had been "living her faith" she never would have met me. The funny thing is that after she met me and we married, she decided to throw herself headfirst back into her faith. It has now been over a month since my wife shunned me and banned me from what was our residence. She went through my pockets as I was getting dressed and took my house keys off of my key ring. Within a week I found out that she changed the locks on the house and the garage, where my most of my belongings still remain. Over the last month and a half, if I wanted any of my possessions, I was told to provide a list and a time when I would be by to pick up the items on the list. If the time was convenient and someone was available to observe me then I was given permission to come by.

Faith is a funny thing and I don't mean funny ha ha either. It's funny peculiar and evidently my current wife has faith that she has done the right thing by ousting me with just the clothes on my back, which I was barely given the time to put on by the way. She must think of me as a thief or worse to feel compelled to change the locks and have a bouncer observe me when I pick up any items. She has not attempted to see me or contact me in a month and a half and at this point I'm ready for forever. I have never burned down a Vietnamese village. John Walsh never mentioned me by name on "America's Most Wanted." The fact that the locks were changed and I was never given easy access to my rightful possessions is the kind of personal insult that I wouldn't expect from a loved one. So...

Love is a many-splendored thing, as we have been told, but hate, especially when fueled by religious fundamentalism, goes right to the bone like a cancer. Religious fundamentalists will blow themselves up in a town square, taking many innocent lives with them, as they foolishly believe in 99 virgins, awaiting on their ugly ass in heaven. Some fundamentalists have caused the deaths of their own children through medical negligence disguised as religious faith. And then some fundamentalists just decide to throw the atheist out with the bath water and act as if his presence was never an actual fact.

We all must do what we can do survive as human beings. For some of us that means erecting a tent by I-90 and sharing space with other homeless people, battling their own demons. For others it means starting anew and leaving the ugly past behind. It is better to be without possessions than to be possessed. It is better to walk through the fire than to keep smelling smoke and assuming that someone else is going to douse the flames. They say that the wealthy have problems too, but their problems obviously have nothing to do with a lack of funds.

My own struggle now is to face each day with honesty and openness. Doors have been closed behind me, and locks have been changed, but new doors open up every day, and I just have to be mindful and observant to see where my path now leads. I have been entertained by too many distractions in the past. I tout the saying that a wise man welcomes problems, because they give him a chance to grow and yet I have avoided my own problems like the plague. Time to face life head on and faith be damned.

1 comment:

Jude said...

I'm sorry to hear about this (even though I realize it happened a few months back).

I was raised by a fundamentalist baptist minister. Everything in our home was controlled - who your friends were, what you wore, the music you listened to, etc.
My oldest brother is 18 yrs older than me. He became a buddhist when he was about 20 I think. I found out that there were other religions when I was somewhere between 12 and 15. My dad, my brother, and I were sitting up late, talking one night, while my brother was home for christmas. My brother told me years later, that after our discussion about religion, and after my brother had tucked himself in on the couch, my dad came over to him and whispered in his ear, that if I ever became a buddhist he would kill him.

My oldest brother could not get anymore black sheepy - he came out to my parents, as gay, when he was in his early 20's. Honestly I'm not sure which they hate more - the fact that he's gay or the fact that he's a buddhist.

I still suffer from PTSD due to the abuse that was all "sanctioned by God". If there is a god I'm pretty sure he'd have to change his name to the devil if he sanctioned such things.

Fundamentalism is scary. When you're born in it you don't know any better. I miss many things about it. There were always lots of people to support you and love you (as long as you played by the rules). You had ready-made friends and "family". And, as someone with anxiety and depression, the routines benefited me in many ways. Either that or I was brainwashed to need strict routine and now I have trouble functioning without it. idk which. lbvs

The number one thing that was instilled in us was fear. Fear of my father who doled out severe punishments, and fear of an angry god who could punish us.

Even when I questioned it all, I felt compelled to "keep believing", just in case it was true, because there was no punishment by anyone, provided you played by the rules (or so they said). But that fear...Even the hint of it, is enough to keep you in your place, obeying what you're told. Because if you think you might burn in the flames of hell - well, you better not take any chances. (Same went for the punishment from my dad.)

To successfully get out, and stay out, you need a lot of support, and you have to be successful in getting rid of some of that fear, or you'll always go back. For some I think it's like a drug. Especially for the men. And even if you don't believe it's best to stay, if you don't want to lose all of your family and friends and be out in the world all alone.

I'm sorry this happened to you.