Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Burning Bridges

I have been burning a lot of bridges lately. I guess that might be considered a terrorist act, if it wasn't metaphorical. The act of burning a bridge means that return over that same bridge is now impossible. If one is running from something -- say a dark and loathsome past -- then burning the bridge behind you is a good way to gain some ground on your enemy. Burn the bridge. Cover your tracks. Change your name.

Burning bridges also can mean the ending of potentially profitable relationships. In my case, my printed vitriol sometimes gets me in trouble, losing friends and family. I get unfriended, hung up on, and shunned. All in the same day sometimes! I've been told that I'm selfish and that I need to grow up. Maybe at the age of fifty-four, I should take the growing part as a complement. I don't want to grow up. I'm a Toys 'r' us kid.

None of us have the ability to see ourselves objectively. Usually we turn away when we see ourselves on camera. Some of us even avoid mirrors, as if we were from an old vampire clan. If I could examine myself objectively, would I see a selfish asshole, who gets his jollies by taunting and tormenting others? Or would I see a struggling, emotional man-child, who just cannot seem to stay on the path?

Not only have I burned bridges, but I headed west, to disappear among the evergreens in the Pacific Northwest. People have been doing it for generations, heading west for a taste of a more adventurous and free lifestyle. These days there are more condos and SUVs than pioneers and gold diggers, but there is still a sense of that spirit out here....somewhere.

It is lonely being an outcast though. I'd much rather be a member of Outkast and have a hit record on my hands. Loneliness is just one of many states of mind, but it seems to be the dominant mood in my mind lately. To me, happiness is like a mythical unicorn; a beautiful fantasy, but not very realistic. I've created this persona, with the help of genetics and my environment during my upbringing. Now (as always) my task is to bring this personality of mine in line, and try not to be crazier or angrier than that person next to me on the metro bus.

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