Well, not really a vengeance. That brings to mind an image of me, busting through the doors of the bookstore upon my return, with guns blazing. "Just who do I have to bust a cap in to get a book around here!" The truth is that I took a mental health day yesterday, so I'd rather not return to work at all, because I'm blissed-out from my nearly 24 hours in the woods. I realize that not all of you out there in Internetland know what I mean be reconnecting to the earth, but my wilderness friends know.
It's very difficult to hold on to anger, while resting by a river. It's tough to think vituperative words about ex's and why's, while hearing the spring bird songs, or feeling the rain, filtering down through the firs upon your waiting face. Those aren't tears. That's a cleansing rain, washing away sorrows and resentments. It's true that I had to return to the madding world last night, and to work today. In the past, I have never been very adept at bringing some of that spiritual contentment back to the world of man (yes, atheists can find spiritual contentment too. It doesn't require a make-believe deity.)
I'm soon to be fifty-four years old, which my son constantly reminds me, either verbally or by wearing me out on the playing field. I have found myself speaking out more recently, at work and in life in general, holding my ground with more fortitude than I have in the past. Maybe I'm managing to finally drop some of my old fears away. That would make the burden I carry through life a little lighter.
I'm definitely not a Let-Go,Let-God kind of guy. God has been absent from my life, and if he's out there, he knows I've always got a bowl to smoke with him. He can even unload his universal burdens on me, if that makes Him feel better. Let's let bygones be bygones. But, never an answer or a return call, so I moved on about a dozen years ago, when I slammed the lid on depending on the fantastical, which I could never really do with conviction anyway.
At this point in my life, the mortal horizon is just starting to become visible. I can see it clearly enough to realize that I have limited time on this earth as a conscious human being. There are many earthly pleasures to still be enjoyed, and the closer to earth I get the more enjoyment I feel. Some of these pleasures I have to enjoy on my own, and I've become better at accepting that without the usual tinge of loneliness that comes along with it. I've also come to realize that contentment depends so much on ones' viewpoint, and I think that -- after all these years -- my viewpoint is finally becoming beneficial to my life.
So yes, I think about the end of my life, and use that contemplation to enhance the life I am currently living. I don't think of the "end of times," because that's a human construction that doesn't take into consideration any predicament except human selfishness and egotism. Since God is just inside your head, praying is really just a form of mental masturbation. You're better off taking a hike, and sitting for a spell in your natural surroundings. If you sit long enough, your rhythms start to match those of your environment. It starts to seem silly to hold on to the thoughts that civilization generates. Instead, one starts to feel the importance of listening to the birds, and deciphering the wind through the trees.
I'm obviously full of the spirit of the wilderness, which, as anyone who has witnessed a thunderstorm knows, is not always peaceful and serene, but it is always honest. Nature is just what it is, without bias, or judgment. One must leave behind those human inventions when stepping into the woods. I do that gladly and I hope to do it more and more, as I get older and grow more and more tired of these ridiculous societies we've encased ourselves in.