Sad and lonely. What a lovely pair they make. Everyone gets lonely periodically. Those who are perpetually lonely dwell in this dank little town called Depression. It's a tough town to leave once your find your niche. My niche in depression always felt so comfortable, but that was just surrender. I gave up on the fact that the sun shone for me also, and not just everyone bouncing around with smiles on their faces
I have looked for happiness and have finally realized that their is no map. It's a never-ending quest meant to make me realize that happiness is just one side of the coin. The yin to the yang of sadness. They both must be accepted, because -- like it or not -- all these emotions must be dealt with. I don't need to hang onto these moments of sadness, or happiness, for that matter. Change will always come...unless I can't find my way out of Depression Town.
Even without my map, I've managed to walk in the sunshine quite a bit in the recent decade, even when it's raining. I have to constantly remind myself that my states of mind are just temporary and with effort I can let go of the more weighty thoughts that tend to act as an anchor in my sea of sorrows.
Why so sorrowful? Oh gosh. I really could give you a list, but boredom would set in awfully fast. Besides, lists of emotional maladies are worthless. Just like any other list, it's just so much mental masturbation. Like any other human on this earth, I can feel lonely in crowds. I can feel lonely in a loving relationship. I can feel lonely on my birthday, and especially on Christmas eve. My loneliness makes itself known at work or play. It's like the goddam river Styx is made of mud! And me without a paddle!
It's Tuesday, so I have too much time on my hands (speaking of Styx) and it's never fun to enjoy oneself before work. At least, I don't enjoy that feeling. It's like contentment interruptus. This outsider never did want to be an insider though. I never even made the attempt to fit in, unless you count me becoming a member of the U.S. military and a clone of every other soldier (or airman in my case.) There fitting in is mandatory.
The person who tends to take on the pain of others, along with their own, ends up doing time in Depression Town, whether they want to or not. Take it from me. I own property in Depression Town. It's easy, because it doesn't cost money there, just heartfelt tears.
So, what kind of state of mind am I in this Tuesday morning? Seems like I am trying to pull my boots out of the mud, and get myself out in this sunny weather. Work is work. There is no changing that. It's one of those societal constructs like marriage and money, that can feel very annoying at times, but one cannot live very well without adhering to those constructs. It's all about fitting in, whether it feels right or not.
The pep rally starts in ten minutes! Followed by a performance of "Up With People." Say cheese!