Thursday, January 15, 2015

If I Had My Druthers

We're all a mass of atoms, being prodded along by electro-chemical events in our brains, and those events are effected by all manner of things: coffee, chocolate, running, being stuck in traffic, or high on heroin. We can't help but effect our mind, whether through stress, or pleasure. There are mornings I wake up not feeling like myself, without knowing the reason why. I feel out of character. Out-of-sorts. Under the weather. Out on a limb.

It's not a secret that I battle depression. It's been my personal demon since I was about 16-years-old and who isn't depressed when they're sixteen?! I had an evaluation, while I was in the air force that showed I was slightly depressed at the time. The Sargent/counselor looked up at me, after reading the results and said, "Everyone in North Dakota is slightly depressed." He should have added that if they're not they're most likely too drunk to pronounce the word "depressed." After the air force I quickly got married and learned a new definition of the word depression.

One of my personality traits is to put off everything until the last minute. I'll most likely put off my death until my last breath. I take medications for high blood pressure and depression. (I think that they're puppy uppers rather than doggy downers. That would make the most sense anyway.) After developing that sometimes fatal syndrome known as dangerous debt, I had to change doctors and facilities to get my prescriptions refilled. Tonight I popped my meds for the first time in about three months. I haven't run down the street in my underwear, wielding a cleaver, so I must be okay, but it's better to be safe.

Just about everyone I know is on some type of anti-depressant or anti-anxiety medication. I debated their use for many years, but after becoming a parent I decided to try the corporate medication route. I'm still not happy about it. If I had my druthers (and a couple of plump bank accounts), I'd deal with my stress and depression by using my sauna, and hot tub. Then I would take Fridays off, and head up to my cabin in the mountains for some pure rest and relaxation without needing the correct app or password. Unfortunately, druthers are hard to come by these days.

The hard work is using mindfulness to stay on track. Toe the line. Stay in character. Sometimes I see a woman walking down the aisle at the store, and I want to complement her taste in boots. I've even done this a couple of times in the past, but I'm always afraid I come off sounding lusty and full of bad intent. Am I lusty and full of bad intent? Maybe. That's for me to know, and you to find out.

We may not have free will (haven't you heard?), but we have medication that aids us in controlling our thoughts and actions. My boss may not necessarily want to hear that he's being a catty bitch and I understand that. It's best that I have the self control not to utter my thoughts without a filter. Drugs always makes it easier to deal with co-workers.

We all think thoughts that are better left unsaid. We may want to see our relatives again, or not get divorced this year. That often means keeping our cards close to our vest, or at least using common sense, when it comes to having your druthers. Druthers are sometime best left in the closet, only to be pulled out in the event of a zombie apocalypse. Then all bets are off, and what happens in Vegas will end up in a big crater along with the rest of the shit we shine up and call precious.

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