There really is no question. I must write. But I must also censor myself. Yes, this is technically an online journal, but one must be conscious of one's readers. I don't want to offend or push anybody farther away from me. This is a blog, not a diary. I'm not going to describe the source of my tears at this time.
So, it's Tuesday, December 23rd. I work the two to ten shift today. Every day feels like a crazy Saturday at this point. Kids are out of school and their rich parents have taken off the school break too. The bookstore and cafe have been bustling for weeks, but these last few days are going to be just a consumerist blur. The days fly by, but I can tell I have been at work by my aching feet and the pain in my back.
I've complained many times about the fact that we don't get paid for Christmas or Thanksgiving. I must be at least a little thankful to my boss though, for giving me a $100 gift card to spend in the bookstore. Of course, half of it is gone already. I purchased a few hardcovers that have been sitting in my cabinet for month.
I will do my best for the next few days and weeks, to push back against this dark emotional cloud that keeps drifting over my mental neighborhood. I'm trying my best not to just push my angst back inside, because sooner or later it's going to burst out like an Alien baby. Instead I must be gentle with my angst and anger. I'm trying to understand the source of my intense loneliness and angst. I'm trying to examine my emotional history without getting attached to it. I must forgive myself and realize that my sadness is not my fault. It's just genetics and environment, put into a massive blender and spitting out the entity known as Mark Bonney; ex-air force, thrice married, and father of a 8-year-old superstar.
This mass of molecules known as the Markster is honestly trying to do his best. The emptiness I feel inside can sometimes be overwhelming. "Nobody said life was going to be easy. At least nobody ever told me that." (from "The Big Chill.") Some of the things I feel most passionate about are exactly some of the things that make me feel like an outsider in my own house. I just want some equanimity...in bunches!
All of you out there who celebrate Christmas, have a good one. I will be sleeping in on Thursday, catching up on some reading, and imbibing some evergreen.