Tuesday, May 13, 2014
Hell, I'd even settle for sisterly love at this point, but -- whether through my actions or not -- all of my siblings are alienated from me. My sister in South Carolina will not talk to me anymore, probably because I have insulted her backwards redneck way of thinking. Just because you moved to the south doesn't mean that you have to leave your intelligence in the north. My brother (my only brother unless you want to count half-brothers from my birth mother. I don't.) never talks to me unless he is fully drunk. He called me last week. He claimed that he wasn't inebriated, so I asked if he always spoke like that. He replied that he would call me when he was straight. Needless to say, he called later on that evening -- well past midnight west coast time -- and proceeded to leave a half dozen voice mail messages using technical terms like "bitch" and "motherfucker." I guess those were terms he picked up in jail. My other sister is only one year younger than me, but her thinking is worlds away. She feels that she is the most intelligent person in our dysfunctional family and therefore she almost never lowers herself to communicate with us. The only peep I've heard from her lately is when she has criticized my Facebook posts. So, a complete lack familial connection. Loneliness has been a way of life for me as long as I can remember. I smoke weed on a regular basis, partly in an attempt to quiet my ever erratic thinking. Three days without smoke just means three days that I will be forced to feel my anger fully for that period. My anger is a dangerous thing, and I would be much better off just having it removed, but the only method I've used to deal with it over the years is to just find ways to quiet it down. Temper the temper. That's my motto.