Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Monday and the Mundane

I don't really believe in writer's block, but sometimes when life is status quo, it can be difficult to think up anything that I deem worthy of print. I could always throw a wrench into the works, and create needless drama. That would give me something to write about, but also stress and heartache. Blech!

Today was Monday, but it was different from most Mondays because it was Memorial Day. I still worked my regular shift, but the store and cafe were bustling most of the day, which is not status quo for a Monday. Whenever I'm at the store when I think I should be off, I find it hard to keep my mind on the task at hand. I feel a smidgen of envy when the majority of the surrounding community gets to come in to Vios for brunch and then some book browsing. I find excuses to write emails to friends. I take extra breaks behind the nearby church (praying don't you know.) I find it nearly impossible to stay until 6:30 pm. I feel that once it's about quarter past the hour it's close enough to start getting my gear together and ready for departure.

So, I sit here at nearly 1:30 in the morning. I don't have to be at work until 2pm tomorrow, so that means I get to sleep in, which always feels like a luxury. I read nearly a hundred pages of the novel Worst. Person. Ever tonight, which is good considering that I didn't read one page over the weekend. I have my eye on so many interesting non-fiction titles, that I have a hard time putting my mind to this novel, but I'm hoping that the Worst. Person. Ever will be some mindless fun for a few days. Then it's on to subjects as diverse as soccer, time, and Roger Williams.

Since my mind seems to be veering towards subjects that are not suited for this blog, I think it's time to close the laptop, and venture out onto the deck for some fresh night air before crawling into our double bed.

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Biding My Time

It always seems like I'm biding my time. The world was lucky when I was born without the greed gene. Imagine me as one of those slick salesmen, or worse yet, a politician. I was born to be gentle and honest, and I feel emotional pain every damn day, because of injustice, ignorance and just general meanness that surrounds me. If only everyone believed that once you're dead, you're dead. Then if we all realized that we were dealing with a limited time on earth, we might actually begin to treat each other with more respect and kindness. But it's not just a belief in an afterlife, or the greed gene that makes folks ignorant and mean. They have to be taught to be mean, and they have to be told that it's okay to be ignorant. Not only is it okay to be ignorant, but one is encouraged in our society to flaunt their stupidity. We've come to a point in our country where every fact must be disputed. In other words, the facts are in the global warming is real and man-made. Now we have fools like Gov. Marc Rubio saying that if global warming is real then it must be God's will and we should just let things be. Hmmm.

Okay, I'd like someone at sometime to explain to me how one actually hears a god speak to them. Most Americans I know cannot even speak English correctly, never mind Spanish or French, so how are they going to understand the communication of a supernatural being that no one has even seen? At least not in the last thousand years or so. Oh jeez! I'm thinking too much again. The key to faith is to stop thinking and just (make) believe. It's not about reality. It's about your own worldview and whether everyone else shares that worldview. If they do not, then they must be heretics and sinners. Ah individualism. Such a non-Christian idea. No wonder they call believers sheep and Jesus the shepherd.

We know enough about our mind that we most likely will never figure out how consciousness works, but somehow believers are able to get communiques from supernatural beings and interpret their meanings. Then these believers feel that it's their responsibility to spread those beliefs around. They like crowds I guess. They're not content to let other live freely, and think freely. Believers feel that those around them should think similarly and they're willing to change our laws to reflect that. I would think that if one if confident in their beliefs they wouldn't feel a need to convince others to believe the same way. There is safety in numbers though, and if one surrounds oneself with like-minded thinkers then one will always feel safe. But feeling safe just by keeping oneself closeted from reality...is that really safe? Couldn't reality rise up some day and smack these believers right in the face? If they were raised to believe the way they do and have never left their comfort zone, then they will most likely live in the fog of faith for the rest of their lives.

Just my humble little opinion that seems to differ from everyone else in my life. Talk about feeling left out of the crowd!

Brotherly Love

Hell, I'd even settle for sisterly love at this point, but -- whether through my actions or not -- all of my siblings are alienated from me. My sister in South Carolina will not talk to me anymore, probably because I have insulted her backwards redneck way of thinking. Just because you moved to the south doesn't mean that you have to leave your intelligence in the north. My brother (my only brother unless you want to count half-brothers from my birth mother. I don't.) never talks to me unless he is fully drunk. He called me last week. He claimed that he wasn't inebriated, so I asked if he always spoke like that. He replied that he would call me when he was straight. Needless to say, he called later on that evening -- well past midnight west coast time -- and proceeded to leave a half dozen voice mail messages using technical terms like "bitch" and "motherfucker." I guess those were terms he picked up in jail. My other sister is only one year younger than me, but her thinking is worlds away. She feels that she is the most intelligent person in our dysfunctional family and therefore she almost never lowers herself to communicate with us. The only peep I've heard from her lately is when she has criticized my Facebook posts. So, a complete lack familial connection. Loneliness has been a way of life for me as long as I can remember. I smoke weed on a regular basis, partly in an attempt to quiet my ever erratic thinking. Three days without smoke just means three days that I will be forced to feel my anger fully for that period. My anger is a dangerous thing, and I would be much better off just having it removed, but the only method I've used to deal with it over the years is to just find ways to quiet it down. Temper the temper. That's my motto.

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Medicate the Penguin

Waiting for the dinner hour always has a tinge of sadness for me. One of the reasons is that I have to come back after said dinner. Of course, sadness seems to be the engine that fires my synapses. I could use a memory purge, and dispose of that dark, dank depressing past of mine. Feeling alone in a crowded universe has always been my problem. No matter how much I may click with someone, there is always some part of me that remains understood. Some part that I have to keep under wraps. Same old me, different day. No time for living. What's that line The Shawshank Redemption? "Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dying." But why does the majority of living have to be about debt and stress? Tension and chaos? Even I know better, which is why my dream since I was sixteen has been to live in a log cabin in the middle of the Alaskan wilderness, but there must have been some integral genes missing from my being, fore I have not even done an Alaskan cruise yet. My days of roughing it in the wilderness are over. But I still pine (pun intended) for the woods, and the solace of the outdoors. Nature will always be my emotional salve, no matter where I reside.

Monday, May 5, 2014

Lost at Sea

No land in sight. Oh, what I wouldn't give to hear someone bellow "Land ho!" right now, or at least "Ho!" But instead, I am afloat in the land of retail consumerism, and nobody seems to have a map. Actually, nobody seems to care about finding their way out, except me.