I really wish I had the option of seeing my behavior objectively, but I'd probably be horrified. I have a terrible poker face. Sadness and anger are always in clear view. I beat myself up for being lonely, but then I'm not proactive enough to actually make new friends. I wallow in my decades old depression, rather than creating a life that is new and different...and maybe not so hurtful to those close to me.
Fifty-two years old, and I'm don't see that I've progressed as a human being very much. Granted, being a human is the toughest task I've ever faced. I thought I was up for it. I joined the military at seventeen. I traveled across the country a few times, and ventured to Europe and South America. But in all those past journeys, I have evidently not improved my worth as a person; as a compassionate human being. Beating my self up is just a vain act meant to assuage my own feelings of guilt.
There are plenty of good reasons that I have not found success in life, whether is be through writing or high technology. Lack of confidence and self-esteem are always major factors, but the inability to see beyond the horizon and make the necessary adjustments; the seeming lack of emotional control and direction.
I want to shed some tears, but they would only be for me. Tears in the dark are only wet. The methods I used to utilize to keep myself stable are long gone. I still use weed to de-stress, but I don't take my walking, or conscientiousness very seriously. I'm full of good intentions, but I'm also full of shit.
The important item in all of this shitty mess, is that I am not intentionally cruel or malicious. That would make me a psychopath/sociopath, and I don't think I'm criminally insane. I honestly feel that I have good intentions, but then something triggers my deep-seated hurts and I lash out like a animal in a steel trap.
Well, another Tuesday and I managed to scratch out another blog post. I'm not going to bother to post a link to this one on Facebook, because this is a post that some of my FB peeps may not understand, not that they shouldn't read it. It's just that they would be reading it without context.
It's still sunny outside, so I guess the walk will be pleasant. I'm missing someone terribly today though, and that feeling was brought on by my own actions. I wish I knew how to turn back time to a certain day at Half-Price Books, and had the ability to start things over, but I only have today, and I don't even have the morning left anymore! I best get to work and try to put some good books into reader's hands.