Tuesday, March 25, 2014

When Your Tuesday is Your Monday

The only downside to coming off a three-day-weekend is the prospect of now having to work five days straight. Will there be a nervous breakdown at the end of the week? Probably not. The sun has left and took its sunshine with it. Actually, the sun is still up there somewhere. There is just this thick cottony layer of grey between its warmth and us humans here down below.

It's a Tuesday, which sometimes -- like today -- means having the spare time to write down some nonsense words, throw in some periods and commas, and then call it a blog post. Today is not much different from any other day in my history. I'm filled with unfulfilled passions and desires. I blame work for being in the way of having fun, but truly I am my own worst enemy when it comes to contentment. I've had many opportunities over the years to make different choices, but I'm living with the choices I made and there is no turning back.

I must start to come to terms with the fact that I am veering into my mid-fifties. There is not much time left for this old dog to learn anything new. Well, there is always time to learn something new, but as one ages habits -- bad or good -- become cemented behavior. My mind may dream of being Mr. Zen, but my reality is an anxiety-ridden, unhappy man, who yearns to be in a state of happy solitude, while also desiring the comfort of a close loving friend. The old Yin and Yang of life with all its attendant peaks and valleys.

When I look back through my writings over the years, I discern certain common themes. Freedom is a big theme: my yearning for it, but at the same time trying to define the term "freedom" as more than just a wonderful concept. I have never truly felt free enough to be myself. I may behave now more in a manner pertaining to my true self, but I still feel anxiety and guilt over that. I convince myself that I'm not worthy enough to put my real self out there, yet I admire all those brave souls who do.

Today is yet another day tinged with melancholia. The rain is adding to that feeling. I'm at the point of having to decide whether to carry an umbrella with me or not. I can never tell if I'll be caught in a deluge midway to work. I've been off for three days straight, so I know that there are multiple stacks of books for me to shelve when I arrive. In fact, I will most likely be slotted for shelving time for the majority of the work schedule. It's a mindless task, but I just with I could listen to my music while I shelved.

Well, I have about a half hour until I need to start my walk to work. The plus sides of this day are that I still have a job to go to that is not half bad (except for the rock bottom wage); I still have weed to smoke, which always helps me get through the week; I have enough books to read for the rest of my living days. There are probably some additional pluses that I am leaving out, but it's tough to think of the positive side of walking to work on a rainy day, when it seems to make so much more sense to stay in and finish my book. Oh well, common sense does not rule our lives. Debt and anxiety do.

No comments: