Tuesday, March 25, 2014

When Your Tuesday is Your Monday

The only downside to coming off a three-day-weekend is the prospect of now having to work five days straight. Will there be a nervous breakdown at the end of the week? Probably not. The sun has left and took its sunshine with it. Actually, the sun is still up there somewhere. There is just this thick cottony layer of grey between its warmth and us humans here down below.

It's a Tuesday, which sometimes -- like today -- means having the spare time to write down some nonsense words, throw in some periods and commas, and then call it a blog post. Today is not much different from any other day in my history. I'm filled with unfulfilled passions and desires. I blame work for being in the way of having fun, but truly I am my own worst enemy when it comes to contentment. I've had many opportunities over the years to make different choices, but I'm living with the choices I made and there is no turning back.

I must start to come to terms with the fact that I am veering into my mid-fifties. There is not much time left for this old dog to learn anything new. Well, there is always time to learn something new, but as one ages habits -- bad or good -- become cemented behavior. My mind may dream of being Mr. Zen, but my reality is an anxiety-ridden, unhappy man, who yearns to be in a state of happy solitude, while also desiring the comfort of a close loving friend. The old Yin and Yang of life with all its attendant peaks and valleys.

When I look back through my writings over the years, I discern certain common themes. Freedom is a big theme: my yearning for it, but at the same time trying to define the term "freedom" as more than just a wonderful concept. I have never truly felt free enough to be myself. I may behave now more in a manner pertaining to my true self, but I still feel anxiety and guilt over that. I convince myself that I'm not worthy enough to put my real self out there, yet I admire all those brave souls who do.

Today is yet another day tinged with melancholia. The rain is adding to that feeling. I'm at the point of having to decide whether to carry an umbrella with me or not. I can never tell if I'll be caught in a deluge midway to work. I've been off for three days straight, so I know that there are multiple stacks of books for me to shelve when I arrive. In fact, I will most likely be slotted for shelving time for the majority of the work schedule. It's a mindless task, but I just with I could listen to my music while I shelved.

Well, I have about a half hour until I need to start my walk to work. The plus sides of this day are that I still have a job to go to that is not half bad (except for the rock bottom wage); I still have weed to smoke, which always helps me get through the week; I have enough books to read for the rest of my living days. There are probably some additional pluses that I am leaving out, but it's tough to think of the positive side of walking to work on a rainy day, when it seems to make so much more sense to stay in and finish my book. Oh well, common sense does not rule our lives. Debt and anxiety do.

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Whistling Past the Graveyard

The title of my post implies being carefree. That's not me, although I work on that image. Inside I harbor all these dark memories, regrets and resentments. These damaging emotions are like a cancer growth. Try as I may to eradicate these negative thoughts from my daily life, it is a constant battle. I have turned to corporate anti-depressants. I still smoke weed on a regular basis in order to keep my industrial disease at bay. It's a lonely life sometimes, without a like-minded smoking cohort. There's nothing like smoking a bowl or two and then taking in a movie with a friend, or tossing the Frisbee back and forth on a sunny day in the park. Try getting high and tossing the Frisbee to yourself....not so easy.

I sit here at work, trying to kill the remainder of my lunch hour by writing down thoughts that I have written down many times before. I sound like a broken record at this point, or maybe a damaged MP3. I have some wonderful moments on my deck, listening to music, and stargazing, but I have no one to share these pleasures with. The loneliness is stifling sometimes. 

Time to get back to work, continuing to count the minutes until I get to walk out the door on continue on to home. Maybe the rain will stay off my back tonight, when I spend my leisure time outside on the deck. Last night I was able to witness a moon-rise that was worthy of any werewolf movie.

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Spring vs Fall

Last week I was convinced that spring had sprung. I was walking home from work on Friday and I could smell the trees in bloom before I even looked up to take in their pink and white beauty. I could tell something different was in the air, because robins were happily hopping about, setting up picnics. This spring atmosphere gets my blood pumping in overdrive and makes me want to do things like take the day out of work and sit outside all day, soaking up the sun's afterglow.

Today it feels as if fall is back and is pissed off, because he wasn't through with the cold wind and rain yet. Just when you think you've found cover the wind changes direction and finds it's way under your hood. Ah Seattle.

So. Work. I need to get out of the house and start my jaunt in about 20 minutes. The sun is not shining today, but I can tell it's up there somewhere. If it wasn't there would be no I to take in anything. But I digress. It's a typical overcast day here in the Emerald City. I was dismayed to read about the helicopter crash at the Space Needle. I guess the chopper was flying under the KOMO 4 banner, but the two killed were "not employees." Is KOMO already trying to cover their ass? Isn't everybody?

I have about thirty pages left to read in Mr. Peanut, the novel I'm currently reading. The book is a dark and intense look at marriage and quite impressive for a first novel. I've been enjoying it, but -- as always -- I'm ready to get to the next book. As with most book lovers, my hunger for reading outweighs the actual time that I have to consume those multitude of books. I could stop buying books altogether and just going through the books in my office, still not have enough time to get through them all before I draw my last breath. Of course, my last breath could happen on my way to work this afternoon, and then it's a moot point anyway.

Well, off to work.