Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Hunger

I woke up hungry today. Usually I'm not up early enough for breakfast on a Tuesday, but today I had a 9 am appointment, so I dragged my tired ass out of bed at 7:22 this morning. No breakfast in sight though. Instead, I talked about my grief and anger for an hour, while taking periodic glimpses at Lake Union. I write out my thoughts. I walk away my stress. But sometimes I just need someone to talk to. Sometimes I just need a listening ear. I have been a listening ear to others for most of my life. My friendships were always lopsided in that respect. Now here I am, 52-years-old, still craving a friend to hang out with once in a while, maybe share a bowl, and just talk about whatever comes to mind, including those things that bring us down.

There is a false belief in the world today (among many) that the point of life is to be happy. Happiness is just one mind state, and we are multifaceted. Our happiness alone is not singular. Sometimes it's tinged with sadness, or guilt. Sometimes just breathing the air we are given is enough to be ecstatically happy. At other times we need a cake and with candles to blow out.

I want the afternoon to sit and stare at a lake, counting ripples. I want time to slip so far away that I forget words like agenda, and promise. I want a long, long stretch of a pleasant groove. Not happiness, yet a contentment of a sort. I need to feel settled with myself, not just full of myself. I've always been full to the brim with my self, but sometimes that inner brew is a bitter brew. It's not so much sugar, but salvation I need. I do not speak of spiritual salvation. Spirituality to me is just my life-long struggle to glimpse the truth. My salvation is to be satisfied with my own periodic results along this journey.

I like myself and all my myriad interests. I admire my compassion and sense of justice. I have a head full of trivia, which is useless but fun. I've even come to be comfortable with my looks, which haven't always been pleasing to me. I'm 52 and could drop dead on my walk to work today, so it's important to me that I have a sense of well-being and satisfaction as I walk through this world. Every breath could be my last, so I need to make a concentrated effort to taste the air.

No more time to ruminate. I must concoct a sandwich, and consume it with a side of Cool Ranch chips and a Coke. Today I work the two to ten-thirty shift, and I'm already lacking sleep. This is usually my morning to sleep-in. I must find a way to sight some sunshine on this overcast day, even if that light doesn't come from above, but form my own consciousness.

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