Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Quotes and Rants

“Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them.” -- Henry David Thoreau
"In all affairs it's a healthy thing now and then to hang a question mark on the things you have long taken for granted. -- Bertrand Russell
l I decided to start today's post with a couple of quotations, partly because I am (slightly) at a loss for words, and partly because that first quote has been in my head all morning. Thoreau had some great philosophical ideas, but Walden Pond was still just down the road from his mom's house. I think Thoreau himself may have gone to bed with some quiet desperation still singing in his heart. I know that when I go through boxes of somebody's moldy book collection while at work, I can hear my own heart singing desperately for some type of freedom. Freedom to walk out of work for my own sanity. But we tie ourselves down with our own debts and doubts. The fact that I have not yet set foot in Alaska is very telling. It reveals multitudes about how I have prevented my own dreams from becoming reality all along my lifeline. Hesitation and doubt have killed off my dreams very early.

Now I've become just another angry old white man, whining about where he ended up parking the car, after refusing to ask directions all along the way. Silly old man. Now I look towards the horizon, which I'm hoping is still a ways away. My sight has become filtered through bitter past experiences. I look at the rich and (faux) powerful and know full well that mommy and daddy left them plenty of money to play with. Take the owner of the company under which our humble bookstore falls. He and his brother own fifteen malls across the country among other investments. The owner spent his formidable years sheep farming and smoking weed in Europe, knowing full well that he had his financial future all laid out for him. Meanwhile, my parents (who barely graduated high school) were proud as punch to see their oldest join the air force when he was seventeen, no realizing that he was guaranteeing himself a life of mediocrity. I cannot blame them and their old ways though, because they had no clue about how to claw your way out of being average.

So, I will carry my anger with me today, and bite my tongue when I'm shown how behind I am at work after taking three work days off. I will be reminded very quickly that my job is to keep customers happy, no matter what I may be feeling inside. My position is to continue to fill the pockets of the business owners, so that they can continue to play with their money and check off the greatest golf courses in the world, as they play through each one.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Tuesday...Too Late?

Too late to be saved? Too late to eke out that one more day of vacation? Too late to think about bandaging old wounds? Too late for Tuesday? I'm pretty much answer-less today. Too (mentally) tired to even put any effort into forming the questions with clarity today. We are leaving for a camping trip this Thursday. It will be the first time I've gone tent camping in probably five years and the first time with Justin and Shawn. My wife is not outdoorsy in the least bit, but I think even she is looking forward to escaping the cacophony of the city for four nights, and having the possibility of some quality reading time. Even though the past week has been anything but bliss (a bucket of piss maybe), I'm starting to look forward to this getaway. I'm realizing how much I need this getaway. This mass of cells known as Marky B. used to stroll through the woods on a daily basis as a method of releasing the stresses of the world that had built up inside his mushy brain. I (this Marky B. guy) originally had my eyes set on the wilds of Alaska when I moved west. I had visions of chillin' (literally and figuratively) in a cabin in the woods - minus the flesh eating zombies, of course. Four days, camped by the crux of two streams at the base of the Cascade Mountains, is the least I can do for myself, after a continual string of days on the pavement.

The day is just beginning for me on this Tuesday in August. My shift at the bookstore starts at 2pm. The main advantage of this shift is that the boss(es) are gone by 6:30 at the latest. Then I can take off my pants and relax. (Kidding!) Today I'll probably start out a little early and eat at Vios, the bookstore cafe. The food is decent and I get half off. Then I might head down to my semi-shady seat behind the neighboring church. It's not as pleasant as it has been in the past, because a neighbor, whom I'll just call The Dragon Lady, as been somewhat stalking me. I think she suspects me of nefarious deeds behind the church, burning babies or something. The worst that I do back there, by anybody's standards, is to burn some leaves in a pipe and make a meager attempt to smooth out these occasionally rough work days.

So, the sun is shining. My honey and I are on the mend. (I think it's safe to say that.) We're back to mainly just being annoyed with everyone else in the world and feeling safe in each others' arms. Life is hard for a human being. We have these mental events called memories and this amazing electro-chemical tool called a consciousness that brings these memories back into the limelight, so that we can edit them, hang on to them and generally allow these unreliable memories cause havoc in our present moments. The mouse under the shadow of the hawk has less worries.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Dog Days of August

But what kind of dog is it? Who knows. I only know that I've been avoiding this blog, because I tend to use it to rant and whine about anything and everything that rains on my parade. I'm usually quite open on these posts, because I'm convinced that no one ever reads it. It's easier to speak my mind when I think I'm the only one listening.

So today being Tuesday, I am working the evening shift, which translates to 2pm to 10:30pm. I work with Alex who I think of as Matter-of-Fact Man. He's so damn serious and acts like the bookstore is being held up on his bony shoulders. Me on the other hand: I love recommending books to fellow readers and I even enjoy shelving and straightening the thousands of books in stock. But -- to be honest (and I always try to be honest)-- I'd rather be doing a variety of other things than working in that wonderful little bookstore in the Ravenna neighborhood. I could give you a list....

It is a brilliantly mid-August day here in Seattle. I was up quite late, working on my other blog(s), which are on tumblr. I am an honest guy, but some blogs are better left unseen by the general public (and more specifically older relatives.) I'd love to live my life -- with all my varied interests -- out in the open, but one has to consider the sensitivities of others. Or at least I do anyway. Seattle is a wonderful place to live openly though. We recently legalized both recreational marijuana use, and gay marriage. I am a firm believer in personal liberties, so I think the passage of these laws are no-brainers. If you are not hurting anybody else, than we should your neighbor give a shit about you do? They shouldn't.

My writing always tend to turn into rants. Either that or it morphs into erotic fiction. It's just a reflection of the way my mind works. So, when I sit down to write a post -- if I'm not addressing a specific issue -- then my mind tends to wander, and the next thing you know, I'm ranting about stupid people, working on sunny days, and the general lack of compassion in the world around us.