Wednesday, January 23, 2013

The Struggle to be Present

The struggle is to pull my brain out of its rut and get back to the goodness of life. It's not always easy to see the light at the end of the tunnel, especially if you don't necessarily believe in any kind of eternal light. There is too much suffering in this world for anybody to reasonably believe in a passionate god. Einstein once said that God doesn't roll dice, but I beg to differ. Yes, I'm going to disagree with old Alberto, because I as have come to understand the world -- and the universe at large -- it is random and chaotic. It's our little rigid human brains that try and put a reason behind everything, and I mean everything. It's why our brains are set up to recognize faces. In fact, our brains are so well-built to recognize patterns that we're constantly seeing elves in cloud formations and the face of Jesus Christ in water stains. It's just our brains trying to constantly recognize and figure things out, even those myriad of things that cannot possibly be understood by our mishmash of brain jelly.

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On another note: I will be going to work in less than an hour. Today is the one day of the week when I work the 2pm to 10:30pm shift. I took a sick day yesterday, because I was psychically unwell, as opposed to my usual mental debilitation. Shawn and Justin were both home yesterday too, for various ailments. Most of the crew at work has been out for one reason or another lately, but somehow I am the least believed when I call in sick. They may sense that most of the time I am well enough to go to work, but everyone has a right to some sick time. Just because I could function at work without passing out, does not mean I should be there.

It's been a life struggle no matter what direction I look in. I saw my doctor recently and found out that even though I have lost fourteen pounds since our last visit, my "bad" cholesterol has risen, so I need to revisit my doc soon. I worked through my IRA savings on various things like a family trip, clothing and bills, so now I'm back to my usual position of being broke. I have the IRS on my back to file for taxes for a couple of years ago. I will have to pay taxes on the IRA money I took out for our east coast trip. And then there is just the usual clamoring for monies from the ex-wife, American Express, car insurance and so forth. I just wish I had enough extra for some books and bud, but those luxuries are getting harder to maintain.

So, I am sitting here listening to some nice blues guitar by Joe Bonamossa. I have about 45 minutes until I need to button up and walk out into the cold rain for the trek to work. Everyone there will be there usual sourpuss selves, and I will just add one more to the crowd. At least today is not a holiday, as was Monday, so it shouldn't be busy -- just dull, boring and painful. I'd much rather spend this rainy day inside writing, reading and trying to reestablish ties with my beautiful wife. Instead, I'm going into the land of "I'm looking for this book, and I don't know the title or the author" type questions. Most days I enjoy working with book customers, but lately I just want to run away into the deep woods for a while. Just a winter respite is all I need.


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