Saturday, December 29, 2012

Fuzzy Thinking

I have one of those rare mornings at home by myself. I feel like Macaulay Culkin, but without the pharmaceuticals. I had to go back and reread my last post, because I wrote it at 3:30 this morning. I wasn't inebriated, just tired. The post didn't reveal any state secrets, so I feel safe leaving it up there.

I got myself out of bed at 10:30 this morning, even though I probably didn't fall asleep until four. That's not a whole lot of sleep and I will probably be persuaded to take a nap with my honey later on this afternoon. It doesn't take much persuading to get me in bed with my pink-robed sweetheart.

I'm not the type to make New Year's resolutions. Instead, I make resolutions on a daily basis. As in today I will do some writing and then I do some writing. End of the year stuff makes me psychologically tired. I at least used to enjoy all those top-ten lists of best books, films and so forth. Lately though, it just all seems like so much hype, and I have enough influences. I have over two-thousand books, and I never seem to stop bringing them home, so I don't really need any new suggestions. I'll most likely peek at some of those lists though.

It is truly winter here in the emerald city. The rain never seems to abate. It may stop raining, but all the trees, and eaves continue to drip. Our little solar lanterns no longer alight at night, because there is not enough sunlight during the day to give them a charge. The damp darkness tries its best to seep into my mind, but I keep up the fight. You know the fight. We all have the same struggle to stay sane in what seems to be an insane world.

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The only comments I ever have to monitor on this blog are usually spam from some Russian somewhere about Uggs, or some other stupid shit. If I really ever get any readers, be they family, friend or unknown anonymous persons, I'd love to hear some commentary. It gets lonely out here in the ether.

Counting Down

I believe there is there year end tradition this coming Monday night, called New Year's Eve. I have never been a partier, and certainly not on holidays. In the past I've enjoyed New Year's Eve, because local television stations would play back-to-back classic movies, such as the Marx Brothers. During my last marriage, most years my wife would be well asleep by the time midnight rolled around. Now my current (final and most wonderful) wife, and I will most likely be reading our respective books; or listening to music and just enjoying each others' company.

I had a rough work week, which thankfully ended at 5:30 yesterday evening. I made a meager attempt to leave at the beginning of my lunch break, but I was told "We'd all like to take the afternoon off." In other words, "If I can't leave early then neither can you." Such petty sentiment. I quickly acquiesced, not wanting to spike my blood pressure over a mere two and a half hours. I left for lunch with my honey and then returned for the last of the day. It was quiet, and I would have much preferred to have been napping, nestled next to my honey rather re-shelving books for the umpteenth time. But that's life: freedom is a fallacy.

I've had my share of self-induced stress lately. The mass murder/school shooting in Connecticut has darkened the entire holiday much more than living in the Pacific Northwest usually does. Meanwhile at the bookstore, we were experiencing one of our busiest seasons in the store's history. (Fuck you This past Tuesday was Christmas and -- as I have mentioned in previous posts -- we got the one day off from work, without pay no less. I could have benefited from having this afternoon free to nap, or read, or to just be with my family. Obviously my employers feel that my priorities should be other than they are. It's not easy being a wage slave, and the level of related annoyance arises as one ages.

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

It's Somebody's Birthday!

I'm sure somewhere someone has a birthday today. There are approximately 490,000 babies born in the world every day, and that includes good ole Xmas. In fact, one of my Facebook friends has a birthday today. Growing up, we always thought it would suck to have your birthday on the same day as Christmas. In a way, you were getting ripped off. Everything got celebrated on one day, instead of spread out later into the year. The unlucky birthday boy or girl most likely didn't receive twice as many gifts, and isn't that what Christmas and birthdays are really about? And Easter is about chocolate, specifically chocolate bunnies.

Tomorrow is somebody's birthday too, but it's also Wednesday and I return to work at 2pm. I will be working with Amish Girl, and I can only hope that she's done playing Christmas music, since technically Christmas will be over. She can go back to playing the Sesame Street soundtrack. (I shit you not.) I'm sure the bookstore and adjoining restaurant will be busy tomorrow, because we're situated in a well-to-do neighborhood, where most folks will have the day off, and they'll be bored and come in to browse and graze.

Part of me wants throw my copy of "It's a Wonderful Life" into the DVD player, and watch it for the next two plus hours. I haven't watched it in years, and my honey has only seen bits and pieces of it. I watched a little of  "A Christmas Carol," starring George C. Scott the other night. I just don't think my mind is in the right condition to watch something potentially so emotional. I'm filled with mixed-emotions today, and I'm probably better off not trying to nudge those feelings in one direction or another. It's better today to try and maintain a modicum of sanity. That's not always an easy task, but there are many factors that can make it especially difficult today.

There are many aspects about today -- Christmas Day to some -- that could have the potential to throw me into an emotional rut for a while, say a week or two.
A.) It's Christmas.
B.) My son is with his mother this year, because we alternate years. I could probably have a few hours with him if so chose, but he will be back here on Thursday this week. It seems that my ex and really gone over the top for Justin this year. According to his six-year-old mind, he has thousands of gifts under the tree, and mommy told him that he would be getting more presents than anybody! I mentioned to him the other day that some kids don't even have food to eat, and he looked at me like I had grown a third eye.

C.) As always, I could use a friend, to hang out with once in a while; smoke a bowl together; listen to some tunes; or just sit out on the deck and shoot the proverbial shit. (I would never shoot the real shit. Yuck!) I've never been one to make friends easily, and as an older male, it seems even harder to make new friends these days. The few friends I've had in the past have tended to be the type of people, who take advantage of my good-natured personality. I'm a good listener, and sometimes when people realize that they don't even bother to let me get a word in edgewise. There is no edge to even slip words into.

D.) Winter in the Pacific Northwest. I'd welcome some snow right about now, just to brighten things up a little. The words Cabin Fever end up being an understatement when it rainy and dark for days on end. I suggested to my son that he would probably like a little snow for Christmas, and he replied that he would just like a sunny day. Amen to that, little man!
Let's leave the list at four for now. Like any sad sack misanthrope, I could go on and on about what makes me blue, but I'd rather pack my bowl with a little green and make my meager attempt to toke those blues away. You may think that I've just become a stoner in my old age -- not that there's anything wrong with that -- But let's just say that I've grown to old to voluntarily deal with the day to day bullshit of this wonderful society of ours. Ever since I was sixteen-years-old, I have wanted to drop out of society and reside at a cabin in the woods. For good or bad, I was not the type of man to often wield and axe, and my hands are not roughened shovel-like mitts. I'm more the artistic type, who would rather sit in a cabin with a good book, so I evidently didn't inherit any mountain man genes, even though it's been said that my maternal grandmother used to shack up with the lumberjacks.

So, this post has been my Christmas Blues post. It is possible to be happily married to a gorgeous honey of a woman ("Daddy wins the honey pot!") and still get worn down by life once in a while . If my sweetie and I had our own little cabin in the woods with nothing but time to fill with lovemaking, reading, cooking, lovemaking, walking, listening to music, and...did I say lovemaking? Well, you get the picture. Like most other worker ants in this wonderful red-white-and-blue society of ours, we must work, pay bills, and deal with the general insanity that seems to pervade the world these days. I'm lucky to be lavished with love 24/7 and to have a wonderful family right here in the rainy, dark Pacific Northwest.

Now bring on 2013, or whatever numbers strike your fancy. As Steve McQueen said as the character Papillon in the film of the same name, "Hey you bastards, I'm still here."

Merry Christmas Y'all!

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Ho Ho Hum...

Let's is December 23rd. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. It's also Monday, and my work week begins on Monday. Tomorrow is no different. Well, I shouldn't bullshit you. Tomorrow is a little different. The store will be closing at 5:30 pm, and my shift usually ends at 6:30 pm, so that translates to me getting out an hour early. Now, it is also Christmas Eve and that means a lot to some people, so the bookstore will be open to satisfy those last minute customers and any atheists that need a good book to read while everything is closed on Tuesday.

We don't really have any traditions on Christmas in this household. A loosely held tradition is going out for dim sum and then to follow that up with a double feature of the latest hot movie or two. This year we're just so damn tired, and fed up with all the holiday craziness, that we will most likely just lay low on Tuesday. A true day off for my honey and I usually means that we get to sleep in. No precocious six-year-old bellowing for his breakfast, or insisting on some morning SpongeBob to get the day going. We get to cuddle under the covers a little longer, before rousing ourselves for some sustenance. We get to have our own pajama day!

I browsed the local film listings, but there wasn't anything that I'm so desperate to see that I will give up a pajama day for it. A pajama day sounds good, but at some point I start to get a little stir crazy. I'm one of those atheists who is going to wish that restaurants are open on Christmas day, even though I enjoy having a day off. What I don't enjoy is having Christmas day off without pay. As long as I have worked at this bookstore, we have done better every year (and I'm in no way taking any credit...I'm just saying) and the most we can expect to get at the end of the year are a few measly gift cards to establishments that the owner of Third Place Books has some interest in. I still haven't used my Top Pot gift card from last year.

I ranted enough in the past about our lack of holiday pay at the bookstore (we're only closed on Thanksgiving and Christmas,) so I'm not going to waste any pixels on that subject today. In other cheery holiday news: my mom having to stay in a physical rehabilitation facility over Christmas. That really bums her out, because her and my dad are still very traditional about Christmas, even if it's only the two of them there. I'd rather have her steady on her feet before she tries to resume her routine at home. It's tough to see one's parents get old, but I imagine it's even tougher from their standpoint.

I've just decided to stay right at 50 for a while. Oh, my body will continue to age, but I'm mentally staying right where I am. I do my best to keep a young outlook, which means not getting caught up in the daily woes that make the headlines. Stress is a big killer, and when you are like me, and don't believe in an afterlife, then you must make the best of the presentlife.

Monday, December 17, 2012

The Horror

The last few days have been a struggle. I'm sure that anyone who reads this blog knows of the horrible tragedy that occurred at an elementary school in a small town in Connecticut last Friday morning. I would be horrified even if I were not a parent, but being the father of a sweet six-year-old boy just makes the pain of the families involved unimaginable. I got outraged when I saw that the media was being their usual sleazy selves and interviewing the surviving children as they exited the schools. These poor little souls will probably never be able to fully process the horror they witnessed, and some local yahoo with a camera and an intrusive microphone only makes the horror that much more senseless. As a parent I would probably clock the first idiot who put a microphone in my child's face. I can only imagine that if I was the parent of one of the murdered children I would not be able to function. I feel so much already for my son's well-being, between wanting him to succeed in school and worrying about bullies at daycare. Life is difficult and full of suffering and as a parent, my responsibility is to keep Justin safe and do my best to guide him to adulthood.

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Winter is fully ready to begin here in the Pacific Northwest. That translates to very short days and lots of rain. It's been too dark to play Frisbee by five o'clock recently, besides cold blowing rain making any thought of outdoor games out of the question. My son is getting quite excited about Christmas, and says that mommy claims he'll get more toys than anybody. She's great at getting him amped up about upcoming events almost to the point of mania, but I realize that a lot of families run at this pace during the holidays. It makes me glad that we don't celebrate Christmas in our household. Justin is not quite understanding why we neglect all the gift and candy holidays, but he's trying to. He's not only a very inquisitive boy, but he wants to know that those close to him are happy. He's a little worried that we're missing out by not having a tree with a pile of gaudily wrapped gifts beneath it. I tried to tell him that we're planning on having fun by going to dim sum and then following that up with a double feature. It's a day off from work. A day that I get to spend with my honey and that's always a holiday for me!

Tomorrow (while as I write is Monday. It will be the start of a very busy week that will most likely go by in a blur. I will work Monday, Christmas eve until 5:30 if I don't end up leaving earlier due to the good graces of the management of Third Place. I expect to get a gift card for the bookstore and already (as I always do) have a cabinet full of books to choose from.

My mom took a fall recently, while in the doctor's office no less. She's currently in rehab ala Amy Winehouse, until she's mobile again. I'm sure they'll find a way to get her home sometime this week, so she can be with my dad for the upcoming holiday. It's times like this when we wish we lived closer to them, so we could help them out. It's tough to hear their voices on the phone and feel helpless; only able to give them encouraging words.

I'm continuing to try and post more regularly on this blog. I still consider it my main blog for text posts about my life. Facebook is Facebook, and best serves to frustrate and anger me lately. I've dropped a few "friends" due to their crackpot views, but these are friends I might have passed in the hallway in high school, but was never truly friendly with. Most folks that know me will tell you that I've been a successful loner most of my life, so the idea of having hundreds of friends of Facebook is just a tad silly. I still yearn for a true friend of two. Someone to hang out with once in while besides my wife -- even though I love her as much as the Sun loves being hot -- to shoot the proverbial shit with. Someone smart enough to hold conversations about culture, and philosophy without getting all hot under the collar.

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I could easily write all night once I get going, whether it's in my personal journal, or here for public consumption. I have particularly felt the need to get my thoughts down lately, so I'm hoping that means a few more posts on here before 12/25.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

A Return Home

The title refers to my computer. I had been without it for about three weeks. Thankfully, I had splurged on a new Acer laptop recently, which saved me when I was without my desktop for three weeks. All of my music is in my desktop. In fact, that's where my problem started. My computer had a hard time starting one day, and then when it did, most of my music in iTunes was gone. Just gone. Thankfully, I was able to transfer my music from my iPod back into my PC, but because of a glitch I was without my original iPod, which contains all my hard rock, heavy metal and hip-hop music. It wasn't so bad being without those genres at first, but I found myself craving some Rush after a few days. Rush is still one of those bands that I hesitate to admit that I enjoy. Call it Geddy's contralto, or their admiration for Ayn Rand, but whatever it is, I don't advertise the fact that I enjoy listening to Rush. As weird as it sounds, I usually listen to Rush, or a similar band when I'm trying to go to sleep. Somehow the hard rock turns into a pleasant type of white noise, and makes sleep easier to slip into.

Today is Wednesday, which is still known as "hump day" to some. Today, it's known as the day before the legalization of marijuana here in Washington state. I was just saying to my wife last night, that our boss at work should let all the tokers (which is probably only me) take a break tomorrow at 4:20 to light up and celebrate legalization. It's not going to happen, but if I were king...

Monday, December 3, 2012

Holiday Sick Day

What better time to take a sick day than right in the midst of the holiday retail season? Oh, and it's an overcast Monday. It's a day that was just begging to be utilized as a sick day. So I heeded the call. Here I sit on my bed, in my holey stay-at-home jeans, with Jeff Beck blasting through my headphones, and I actually have the time to write a blog post. In my real life, I consider myself an artist, visual and written. I have been sketching and writing for about as long as I can remember. With a full-time job, and being a parent (another full-time job) I barely find the time to post a line or two on Facebook once in a while.

Sometimes when I have the need for a sick day, it's because I am emotionally under the weather, but that's not so much the case today. I have been battling some blues lately, be they winter blues or just the get-me-the-Hell-out-of-retail holiday blues. Today is more of a I-deserve-a-longer-weekend kind of day off. Unfortunately, my honey had to go into work, but if she was here I wouldn't be taking the time to write a post. I'd probably be nestled up next to her warm body, and feeling all kinds of safe and secure wrapped in her love. Not a bad thing at all, but it's good to have time to write.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Back into the Fray

Sunday afternoon. Justin is asleep. He'll most likely wake up just before we need to drive him back to Jen's house (aka mommy.) He's been laying low all weekend, fighting some kind of bug. Two pajama-days in a row! I wish I could have had two pajama days in a row, but then again I would start to find myself going stir crazy. It's actually sunny out today, which is a pleasant change from the last week of relentless record-setting rain.

We are scheduled to go to the Triple Door tonight to see World Party. Part of me would like nothing better than to stay home, and start reading a new novel. But there is a part of me that would love to see World Party (aka Karl Wallinger,) because I've always enjoyed their music and have never had a chance to see them live. Maybe it's winter setting in, or maybe it's the fact that my honey and I had a nice three-day-weekend last week, and I'm just not ready to jump back into the fray quite yet.

Our getaway was very nice. Who couldn't enjoy three nights in a cozy cottage nestled in the woods, with the rains jut pounding away on the roof, while we whiled away the hours inside, reading, relaxing and...other fun stuff. I suppose there are those who would have craved the mall or their favorite television program, but that is not my honey and I. She enjoyed knitting, and I finished one book, and spent some time blogging. A very relaxing weekend that we should repeat often.

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Overall life is good. My third marriage has turned out to be the best of the three. I'm so happy to have met my match before I either kicked or was too old and infirm to enjoy a good love life. Besides, I keep myself young by indulging in an herb that will be legal here in Washington on December 6th.  I was beginning to think that I would not see sensible drug laws in my lifetime, but here they are right on my own doorstep. We also passed gay marriage and elected a bunch of liberals here in Washington, which isn't always easy. Step outside of city limits and you quickly start to see the symbols of right wing ideology from flags waving to Bush stickers still on those pick-up truck bumpers.

I have found a home here in Seattle and it's environs. I have also found the love of my life. I could complain about minor and petty issues, and I often do, but here at home in Seattle things are good. I still struggle to let go of stuff that really has no substance, and shouldn't effect my life. We all have those struggles. Some days I just want to take a sick day and wander through the woods for an afternoon. I hate wasting sick days on being sick. I'd rather use them to refuel my soul. I know, I know. I have stated before that I don't believe in souls, but I'm talking about inner spirit; a joy de vivre. Not some everlasting gobstopper that floats about in the ether after your physical body is dead.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Neglecting the Old Stuff

My title refers to this blog actually. I've been using Facebook, Tumblr, and browsing my usual sites (The Political Carnival, Good Reads, NYT,) but I've been neglecting my old Destined for Banality blog. I keep it up on my desktop as a reminder to post something, but I've always used this format for longer pieces, and time, well you know the thing about time right? The good times fly by in a flash, but the miserable moments stretch on forever. These days I'm pretty damn happy, so life is sometimes a blur.

Family life keeps me busy, even though my son is only here from Friday through Sunday. There are step-kids, a new grandchild (The Ninja), two cats, and all the peripheral stuff that goes along with family. My sweetheart and I are perpetually craving time away, because the only way to get privacy and quietude is to remove ourselves from the house. In fact, we have a long weekend coming up on November 16th.

Speaking of our getaway: it's about all I can think about lately. We leave a week from this Friday for Whidbey Island in the Puget Sound to getaway and also to celebrate our first wedding anniversary. My honey found the cottage on Air B&B, a website where people put up their houses, cottages, or extra rooms for vacation rentals. It's only 300 square feet, with a loft bedroom, and a little covered porch, where one might have breakfast if it's not cold and rainy.

This weekend we'll be taking Justin to see The Wizard of Oz on the big screen. He's seen the film at least twice on DVD, and we took him to see Wicked at the Paramount a couple of weeks ago. I think he'll enjoy seeing it on the big screen. It's probably my all time favorite film (and my wife's least favorite!), and I'll enjoy seeing on the big screen for a second time. The first time I saw it on the big screen was at the Mahaiwe Theater in Great Barrington, Massachusetts. That was probably 15 years ago. I'm surprised that my wife is voluntarily going along with us on Saturday. Maybe, just maybe the film is starting to grow on her. 

I distracted myself this morning by going out into the garage on a mission. I knew that there were some CD's out there by Steve Forbert and Robbie Fulks that I didn't have in my iPod, and we have seen them both live recently, so it's nice to have some fresh material to listen to. I even went on iTunes and bought Steve Forbert's latest release. One should support actually talented working musicians that are backed by corporations. Hell, Robbie Fulks was only $12 live and Steve Forbert was $20. These guys are living legends in my book (well, Robbie's getting there for sure) and I'm happy to support them in any way I can for the pleasure they give me with their compositions.

Well, I shouldn't burn myself out on this rare blog post on here. I have a little time before I should leave for lunch and then work. I have a few more CD's to put into my iPod and I'm good to go. Let's celebrate today, because the country is semi-safe once more from the greedy clutches of rich white corporate thieves.

Monday, July 9, 2012


Normally I pray for slowness. Well, pray would be the wrong word, but I enjoy life at a quieter and slower pace than most of my fellow humans. The only place where slowness doesn't belong is at work. The day is sunny and a little hot. The doors to the bookstore are open. The crowds are staying at home, so that they can finally use their expensive grills. They are not into coming down to the bookstore on a Monday night to watch a half-dozen amateur magicians ply their craft. Or maybe they are. I know that I will be leaving for my dinner break at 7 pm, and the magic will not follow me home. I can guarantee you that!

I'm here until sunset tonight. That's not terrible, because I get to sleep in tomorrow, and I have Wednesday off. Wednesday we (my S.O. and I) will be going to Jazz Alley to see James Hunter. It should be a good show. I had reservations to see him once before and I had to cancel, so in a way this show will be a do-over for me.

Age and Exprience = Nothing

I am officially in my fifties now. Life can still be fun, but the more I know the less I understand. Sometimes I'm downright flummoxed. It's not easy being old, and full of experience,  but somehow it's either the wrong experience, or my age puts me on the wrong end of the equation. One thing I have learned though, is that many of the dreams I grew up on, are now going up in smoke. For decades I thought I would live in a cabin in Alaska, away from all the craziness of modern society. I'm now realizing that I will never live in a cabin in Alaska, but I might be lucky to visit Alaska.

My vacations are always few and far between anyway. I haven't had more than a long weekend in two years, and now we are planning a trip to Massachusetts to visit family, which will kill any vacation days I have saved up. In fact, I will not even have enough vacation days, but sometimes visiting family is a priority. I just wish visiting Jamaica with my Significant Other was just as high of a priority.

So I sit here on a Monday....Oops! My writing just got interrupted by a "good friend" from my youth. Now I'm out of time. Oh well, I'll pick up in another day (or month.)

Saturday, June 16, 2012

"Just Life Ma"

Yes, it's been months since I have posted anything. I am well aware of this. Sometimes life gets busy, so busy that there is no time to sit down and write about just how busy it is. On the plus side, my life is filled with goodness these days. I am in my third, final and best marriage. I just turned fifty-one years old, but I'm probably happier and younger in mind than I was in my 20's or 30's. Back then I was always weighted down by self-imposed stress. These days I have a wonderful partner/wife/best friend and lover, and she is the ideal of all my dreams and desires. My son Justin is six-and-a-half and quickly going on thirteen. He's brilliant, funny, cute, and an excellent dancer. Yes, he is my son, and I'm totally biased, but on the other hand...all those things are true.

I share custody of Justin with my ex-wife, and I would certainly like to see Justin more often than I do, but overall the arrangement works. I've certainly heard horror stories from other divorced couples, and comparatively our arrangement is pretty trouble-free. It helps to now be part of an extended family, who cares and loves for each other like a real family. I could never foreseen my current situation, married for the third time, and now stepfather to three children. My nineteen-year-old stepson even lives in the basement, and plays electric guitar! Doesn't that sound like a horror show waiting to happen? It's so not though, because I get along with everyone, and my stepson and I recently saw The Black Keys/Arctic Monkeys together.

Some of these experiences of late seem to be coming at just the right time in my life. After all, I feel like I've always tried to be a conscientious and compassionate person, usually to my own detriment. I've stayed in relationships much longer than I've should have, just like I've always stayed in jobs much longer than was sane. Maybe part of that steadfastness was simple fear of change. It sometimes seemed easier to stay stuck in that proverbial rut, even though it dampened my joie de vivre.

I still have my vices (although I probably wouldn't refer to them as vices) as virtually all other humans do. Some of us spend the weekend sucking on six-packs of beer, and watching sports religiously. Some of us spend money on expensive toys, and then use our leisure time cruising around in those toys like we were in a Viagra ad or something. My "vices" seem so trivial in comparison to some of those: the tendency to spend more than I earn on books, and my propensity for taking toke breaks on the deck each evening. Hell, those aren't vices. That's living life, as if you enjoyed it!

Life is about making love at three in the morning even though you know you have to get up in a few hours. The feeling of being high on love for the entire next day is entirely worth a few yawns while at work. I'd choose making love over sleeping anytime. Add to that the love of music, literature, films, and the tendency to enjoy my yesca smoke in the evening air, and I'd call that a well-rounded life. My sole complaint? Not enough free time to enjoy all of the above. I do sometimes take a mental health day, or leave work early to enjoy some time with my significant other, but those times are few and far between. I know that there are some couples who find solo hobbies, so that when they are not at work, they have something to keep them busy, so that they are rarely with their partner. I guess if it works for you. I never tire of my S.O. and would gladly retire from anxiety-ridden society today, to spend the rest of my days in her presence every day, all day.
* * *
So, I don't blog for three months and then I just go on and on. Isn't that just like me? But today I happen to be here at home by myself, while the boys are out getting their hair cut. Having the house to myself is usually the best time for writing. It's either that of stay up late and wait until everyone has gone to bed, and then I have the time and space to write. I need to write more often. I'm an artist and writer, although I'll probably never be paid professionally those talents. I have other talents that do not earn me any monetary rewards, but lovemaking brings its own rewards.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Me Oh My

Things can turn so quickly. One day your flying high (pun intended) and the next day you're burning in flames. Am I really such a nasty person? Why so few friends? I've never had a lot of friends, and I blame my misanthropy. You know, it's hard to like people when you just plain hate people in general.

I'm always surprised how people can so easily disappoint. I have "friends" that never call, and then when I call them they say, "Oh, I've been leaving you messages." And somehow all those messages just disappear from my phone. One friend used to use the excuse that he never wrote my number down, and he always had to look up an old phone bill to find my number. Really? And these are also friends who never take a moment to read my blog (no worries there,) but they're all upset if you don't catch their band's latest gig, or read some cheesy horror story they scribbled down. I've always been a good listener to my own detriment.

Like tonight: I could really use a friend, but my "friends" out here pretty much cut me off after my new relationship and marriage. Actually, they started distancing themselves when I adopted a child. Since they are childless, I guess they figured we wouldn't have anything in common anymore. The fact is we really didn't have anything in common in the first place.

Living is sometimes such a lonely existence. It seems I'm constantly being misunderstood, misinterpreted, and just plain missed ("Oh, I didn't see you there.) Not much different from high school. A loner then, and a loner now (even if I crave companionship, somehow I always end up feeling alone.)

I'd just love a vacation from this nowhere job I'm stuck in. I love books, and love talking about books, but $10.50 an hour is just not a living wage. But at fifty, I'm not likely to find anything else for the rest of my misbegotten life. Sad to think. Sometimes I convince myself that I have value, and then I have to walk to work in the pouring rain, to a place where no one is happy with their shit wages. It's like walking into a tomb sometimes, or a somewhat subdued lunatic asylum. It's depressing, damn it!

So, I will return into myself. I am the only one that understands my brain (like you with yours) and sometimes it's just easier to close up shop and stop offending others with opinions and ideas. There used to be a saying when I was a kid: Children are to be seen and not heard. I was the oldest, and I got the most severe punishment to set an example. My dad's favorite weapon was the razor strap, but sometimes he got in the mood to go up to his shop and get a shingle. Fun stuff! Now he barely remembers being such a disciplinarian. With those harsh punishments, one might think that I was a problem child, but I was actually a quiet and studious child...with no friends. Oh, I had one friend starting from 6th grade on, but he is a little high maintenance. He's one of those guys, who will tell you all about his woes and then just before hanging up, he'll ask how I'm doing.'s not the TV show. Everybody looks at fantasy relationships and friendships and think that they're modeling reality. Hell, even reality shows don't model reality. It's all just an illusion. Friends are hard to find and harder to keep. Lovers? Don't even get me started. I never, never would have seen myself getting married for a third time. Society gave it's approval (after we paid the appropriate fees, and filled out all the paperwork.) So, I'm in another society structured relationship, trying my best to keep it together. It's never easy. My goal has always been to be accepted for who I am, but sometimes even I have a hard time with that.

So look at this nice long blog post. I guess I just need to suffer more in order to write. I've always believed that great art can only come from suffering. And isn't that a Buddhist adage: Better Life Through Suffering. The only drawback is that my significant other(s) can't really deal with my suffering. I would have made a great monk if they only had atheist monks.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Midweek Blues

Blues? Again? No. Not really. Unless I wanted to get depressed about the intermittent snowfall over the last couple of days. Not a biggie though, because spring is just around the corner. Also just around the bend is our trip to the east coast to visit family. Nothing says stress like an extended family visit. We haven't been back in nearly two years though, and my parents are too old to fly anymore. Hell, I'm too old to fly anymore, but my employers doesn't enough vacation time to allow train travel. Train travel is good for the soul though. Anything slow is good for the soul. You can quote me on that (even though I don't believe in the existence of a soul.)

Monday, March 5, 2012

Whereabouts Unknown

Oh, I's already March, and I haven't written a post since sometime in January. It's the daily duties of life getting in the way of my posting.

Friday, January 13, 2012

My Thoughts Exactly

It's Friday. It's payday. The murmuring voices are predicting snow for sometime late this weekend. There is a buzz in the air that indicates that morons will be shopping for milk and bread tonight, in case we get snowed in this weekend. I would welcome some snow just for old times sake. Snow in Seattle usually creates what is known as a clusterfuck, especially if we get over two inches. Even if there is snow on the ground Monday I can still walk to work. So snow then...

Otherwise, I'm trying to stay busy here at the bookstore even if that means posting on my blog. I'm about 140 pages into The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and I wouldn't say that I'm sucked in yet, but I'm looking forward to reading more this weekend.

I get to enjoy some time with my son tonight. This week he goes back on Saturday, which means that I get to hang out with him less this weekend, but -- on the plus side -- I get some well-deserved quality time sans kids with my Significant Other this weekend. That's always good for the soul (or what passes for a soul these days.)

Monday, January 9, 2012

Mondays Damned Mondays

I feel like I'm back in high school, because I have the urge to take every Monday off. As it stands, I took half of last Monday off, and I only have one sick hour to use. Oh well. It's better to be (slightly) sane then to work because I don't have the sick time. What would I have done with today off? Well, I would have probably slept for another three hours. Then I would have scrounged up some lunch somewhere, probably somewhere lame like Subway. Then I may have lain on the couch all day begining the novel The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. That may have distracted me from my hatred for my job, and the dimwitted behavior of my ex-wife as of late. Then again, a measly one day off may not have even put a dent in my mid-winter blues. I'll never know, because I did go to work today. It feels a little like drudgery, but I'll get through it.